5/30/12 New York, NY. (The New York Times) Mayor Bloomberg proposes to ban the sale of “sugary drinks” over 16 fluid oz. in NYC. Bloomberg administration officials were quoted as saying, “Look if people, and here we mean especially obese people, are not able to think for themselves. Then we’ll, the ‘normal sized’ people, think for them.”
“This is just a start,” crowed Bloomberg coming out of Zabar’s Deli, “If we can get this passed, we can make the next step to my innovative ‘5-will-get-you-5’ rule, where people trying to eat things that have been on the ground for more than five seconds can actually get jail time. Can you believe we say things to kids, to children, like ‘well, 5-second rule’? I mean, these are people we’re supposed to be protecting and yet we let them have sugary beverages bigger than 16 oz. or put something in their mouth that isn’t ‘that’ dirty?”
When asked why the state would use the old “5-second-rule” that is largely considered to be ironic, Bloomberg confessed, “Well, under 5 seconds, you get into the whole legal/existential question of whether or not it actually touched the ground in falling. It’s not as straight-forward. But clearly, anyone can tell if something’s been on the ground for five seconds or more. AND, the point is you shouldn’t eat anything that’s touched the ground… ever!”
Lawny Nabken, a housewife and mother-of-three who calls Manhattan’s Gramercy Park home, said that she’s worried about where it will all stop. “In theory, I can see how this is a good thing for people, you know like not giving them choices around seat belts, or smoking, or trans fats, or 16 oz. beverages, or owning certain races of … I mean, ‘breeds’ of dog, but I’m worried about large tubs of popcorn. Our family has a history of enjoying movies together and sharing one large tub of popcorn instead of 5 medium tubs. We think that we eat less popcorn, even if they do have free refills, than if we got 5 smaller versions. Also, I think five medium tubs would be almost $40, whereas the one large tub is only around $10, which is, coincidentally, the same price as 36 bags of microwave popcorn at Costco.”
Where will it all end, indeed? This reporter can see nothing but conflict arising between Bloomberg and his support from those whose waistlines clearly illustrate superior breeding (if not outright superior thinking) and the “hoi polloi” (as they are sometimes referred to by Bloomberg insiders) or those whose waistlines clearly indicate where their thinking takes place. As the mayor’s star rises, we are left to contemplate his most inspiring words on the topic, “We will beat this! Obesity is a disease against nature, and we are city of action! If I have to personally outlaw every dubious behavior known to me, I will. I don’t want to have to be ‘The Decider’ as the Great George Bush Jr. once was for our country, but I will be if I must!”
Webster Announces New Word: Retrocasting
3/1/11 Springfield, MA. (AP) Merriam-Webster announced the addition of a new word to the dictionary today:
Retrocast also Retrocasting: \ˈre-(ˌ)trō-kast\ Using the current situation, e.g. fame, money, success, or power to predict how an unknown past might have seemed, or using an outcome to determine the meaning and impact of the precedence. It often contains the cum hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy, or the confusion of coincidence / correlation with causality. It is the heretofore nonexistent antonym to forecasting, or the human obsession with predicting how the past would have occurred to one using the knowledge of hindsight.
Rand Paul Supports Discrimination as a Free Speech Issue
5/25/10 Kentucky (Washington Post)New senate nominee Rand Paul R–Kentucky announced today that he believes people have a constitutional right to discriminate against others.Citing the philosophical classic “If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear,” Paul stated that at “all-white events” it’s impossible for racism to occur.Therefore the republican candidate supports the rights of private individuals to ban black people from certain lunch counters, sporting events, and the south in general, as long as government or public institutions are not involved.When asked to explain when “blackness” occurs, Rand was less certain, “Somewhere around #150a08 or 1/52nd whichever is lighter, unless there is Native American Indian blood, in which case, #452822 or 1/72nd.If there is any fraction of illegally-immigrated Hispanic blood,” Rand said, “all bets are off.Anyone in a wheelchair should shut up and go home, if they can get there.”
The issue was further complicated when MSNBC transcripts of the interview added a definitive “Yes” to Rand Paul’s answer to Rachel Maddow’s question, “Do you think that a private business has the right to say, ‘We don’t serve black people’?”, when in fact Paul’s answer contained no such definitiveness.Internet sites were ablaze with the suggestion that MSNBC had later gone back and dubbed a “yeah” into the video, in order to dodge accusations of fraudulent transcripting.
In an attempt to create greater confusion and distance himself from his potentially unpopular views on this issue, Paul tried to compare the situation to forcing bars to admit people wielding guns.If only people could check their “blackness” at the door, as it is popular to suggest Bill Cosby has done, then perhaps Rand Paul would be on to something.Alternatively, bars could be forced to have “blacking” sections, outside, or inside with proper state-inspected ventilation.
Reactions were immediate and varied.Republican cause célèbre Sarah Palinobserved, “Finally someone is hijacking the agenda of the libertarian party, to put those creeps on the defensive and off our backs.”She then thrust her fist in the air and screamed, “Paleocons Unite!”, while setting fire to a small stack of books she hadn’t read.
Ronald Edwards, head of the KKK, sighed, “At last, we would be able to have lunch without our cloaks.You try eating Bubba’s Pulled-Pork Gut Bomb with Atomic Sauce while draped in a bed sheet.My dry cleaning bills are breaking me.”
It is also reported that Ayn Rand insists there is no relation – posthumously, while continual presidential candidate Ron Paul agrees that his son’s name has nothing to do with the erstwhile heroine-novelist. Rue Paul commented that the she, er... he thought that Rand was "cute", but insisted that he, er... she was not related to the would-be-political hero. McCartney, Paul was overheard saying, “I can only speak for myself and Ringo, but we’ve nothin’ to do with this.”
GlennBeck wept.Again.No, really “again-again” after the other “again”.Chances are he’s weeping now.
Borat, Bruno Creator Announces Latest Vehicle
4/8/10 Hollywood, CA (Drudge Report)Sacha Baron Cohen, the chameleonesque comedian who created popular characters such as Ali G., Borat, and Bruno has announced his newest creation: "Sacha."Having checked himself into the Kierkegaard Clinic, a celebrity prehab for existential crisis, earlier this month, friends say Baron Cohen has emerged a changed man.He is rumored to have developed the mantra "just be yourself" while at the clinic.
In the Pilot Episode Baron Cohen as "Sasha" remains quiet and expressionless as a range of topics from homosexuality to genocide are discussed by guests who are not aware that they are really in the presence of a comic character and not an actual celebrity.Test audiences have most frequently identified the word "morose" as best describing the character.Plans are for a 16 episode series on HBO followed by a film produced by Four By Two in association with Dune Entertainment and 20th Century Fox.
Rupert Murdoch Announces Creation Of MSNBCNN
4/7/10 New York (FOX)NEWS CORP. owner and billionaire Rupert Murdoch has announced a new news network that promises to, "...be to the left, what FOX News is to the right."The network will officially be called MSNBCNN-OPQRS.TV, but it is rumored that anchors will use the more efficient MSNBCNN to refer to the effort.At a gala celebration in New York to launch the network, Murdoch beamed, "I'm gonna do to news what Nelson Bunker Hunt and his brother nearly did to silver."
Rumors are flying that Murdoch is soon to announce his dream team of anchormen in Keith Olbermann, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert.Early plans call for a Crossfire themed show co-hosted by Sarah Silverman and Janeane Garofalo as well as one modeled after Entertainment Tonight hosted by Bill Maher.While some critics have complained that it's like serving at the EPA during the Bush Administration, Al Franken says, "I'm just glad we're all going to finally be heard."
Webster Announces New Word: Wikimaundering
1/10/10 Springfield, MA. (AP) Merriam-Webster announced the addition of a new word to the dictionary today:
Wikimaundering: \'wi-kē-mȯn-dər-iŋ\Digressing from link to link to link in Wikipedia trying to come to a resolute state of understanding anything completely.In an attempt to brush up ones understanding of a word such as Marxism, one winds up reading for three days, linking to myriad influential and tangential ideas ranging from neo-hegelianism to constructivist epistemology to deontological ethics.
"I'm sorry I'm late, but I wikimaundered from Britney Spears to supervenience and before I knew it, it was tomorrow."
Gleiberman - "Broccoli like a hurricane"
9/30/09 (EW) Noted Entertainment Weekly movie reviewer Owen Gleiberman was glib in his review of the new Columbia Pictures animated feature Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.His review, which was punctuated by gesticulations that have been described as 'air guitar', consisted of only 4 words: "broccoli like a hurricane".Internet film blogger Craig Cady commented on Gleiberman's brevity, "Look, he agrees with me more than I agree with him, but I agree with him more than anyone else... except him, of course, when he's agreeing with me."
Writer/Director Phil Lord was puzzled by the review."There isn't any broccoli in my film, but I feel like Owen was caught up in the spirit of the story.And, in that sense, he's right.There are both weather events and food."
CNN anchor "shocked" to hear equally passionate support for both sides of issue.
7/7/09 (AP): When commenting on the death of a participant during the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Richelle Carey seemed surprised that callers she had urged to "Call in and give their opinion" had done so with equal passion for two different sides of the issue.
"Wow," said Carey, "passionate views from both sides."
It remains unknown whether Carey is gullible, naive, or just easily surprised, however 18 hours later, Carey was once again shocked when the sun rose in the East.Though her surprise seemed somewhat feigned, the comely anchor remarked "The mysteries of this world will never cease to amaze me!"
Commenting on the situation, CNN President of Programming Jonathan Klein said, "It is CNN policy to recruit commentators that possess unique powers of observation and insight. We are very pleased with Ms. Carey's performance in this regard."
Critics of CNN have argued the network's obsession with the obvious has been hindering the reporting of news. Citing the James Earl Jones-voiced tagline: "THIS is CNN" - they purport the network applauds its own self-absorption over any relationship to reporting what is less and less frequently considered "News".
Senate Continues with Bizarre and Unrelated Antics
5/19/09 (NPR): Americans today winced collectively as Sen. Tom Coburn, R-Oklahomaattached a bizarrely unrelated amendment to legislation preventing corporations from abusing credit card consumers through unsavory tactics such as bait and switch or indecipherable legalese. The amendment provides for the carrying of concealed weapons in national parks.In a separate effort, Senator Lamar Alexander R-Tennessee, pushed for the attachment of a Tuna Fish sandwich to the bill, but senate democrats balked, worrying that it might cause support for the bill to falter due to a general preference for ham on rye.
Webster Announces New Word: Trumple
5/17/09Springfield, MA. (AP) Merriam-Webster announced the addition of a new word to the dictionary today:
Trumple:\'trəm-pəl\To run over, crush, or otherwise flatten something with a culturally-bankrupt bulldozer so that it comes out bereft of virtue, looking and sounding like The Donald.
"I don't know that the Miss California contest ever had dignity, but whatever it did have has certainly been trumpled now."
"You're Fired!Can I say that in this context or does it trumple my credibility?"
US Contracts ASS-RADS
4/15/09 New York(Reuters, Bloomberg, AP, CNN Money) TheU.S.economy is officially experiencing an aggravated case of ASS-RADS (A Serial Self-Reinforcing Asset Deflation Spiral), which the Undersecretary of Citizen→Institution Wealth Transfer had previously deemed a worse case scenario. The Surgeon General called a press conference to announce that he, along with private doctors, believe the case to be treatable and non-communicable to citizens with six figure savings accounts. It is recommended that all other citizens mail their remaining savings to the Department of Citizen→Institution Wealth Transfer, treat themselves with Preparation-KY, and remain supine.